I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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