Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
