it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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