I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
