so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
