i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
