Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
