you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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