I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
