Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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