I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
