I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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