my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
