it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i now understand why vodka
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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