Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
