wanna go halves on a baby?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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