can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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