She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize