We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize