i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
