I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize