Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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