sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
