i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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