I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
