Dude my mom stole all your condoms
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
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