So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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