you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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