Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
