I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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