ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
