Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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