I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
