He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
