Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
