can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
