do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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