i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
