So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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