Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
