you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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