Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
