How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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