You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I AM VODKA MAN
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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