and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
