if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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