I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
