Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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