Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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