I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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