I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
