I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
