Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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