yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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