I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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