Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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