Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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