Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
